Kaye's Baby Hues

Hot and Cold

2011-10-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

I just needed to write my feelings down...I hope no one from my family or circle of friends gets to read this because I'm going to die of shame!

I don't know what to say, actually. i simply wanted to say I am trying so hard not to fall in love with this guy. I feel that he's sooo close to me and yet he is sooo far. I see him in my thoughts at night and I see him when I wake up. I think about him often and as I am writing this down it's sending me chills and goosebumps. I cannot believe I am actually admitting that I love him now. The word "LOVE" is like a ghost that's haunting me morning and night.

Sometimes I wonder why does someone from the past had to pop up in the future? What purpose does he serve in my life? I was okay until he came along. Yes, I am happy that we're friends but the feeling just keeps growing. This feeling is making me want to cry and I'm not liking it. I try hard to be casual around him. I am happy when he's around enjoying every minute when with him trying not to show any more feelings other than friendship. But when I retreat to my "aloneness" I hurt. I am missing him.

I am not making any move on retreating from him. I will let fate take our friendship apart just like fate did 20 years ago. And like 20 years ago he will never know, too, what i truly felt for him. I will let that same fate befall us. I will never seize it. I will never admit to him how I truly feel. I will not confess. I am not going to do the same mistakes I did over and over again. Not this time. I want things to be different this time, different with him. He has done a lot for me. He made a lot of things possible for me. He is just so special that I cannot afford to destroy the friendship by telling him how i truly feel. It makes me real sad but I am used to being sad but I'm not used to sad and hurting at the same time, not for two years, at least.

I can only tell him that I love him dearly in my thoughts and dreams. Sometimes I feel that he likes me but that feeling is just sometimes. More often I doubt if he does. The "likeness" lacks consistency. Sometimes hot, oftentimes cold. I remember once telling him I can't put up with some half-hearted stuffs. It has always been "all or nothing" for me, always a "yes or no, not maybe" and I guess he got what I meant by that.

Well, I guess, hugs and kisses will only be shared online. The smiles and laughters and funny and not so funny, real and reel conversations are all we can ever share when really together which what should really matter more and more than enough reason to be thankful for. I guess I should just learn to start counting the smiles more than the sadness I get from loving him from a distance.

I can only tell you here that I love you so dearly and I really don't wish you'd come across this article and know from here that I love you. If by accident you'd read this and you feel that it's you, let me know so I can tell you if it's you or not.- just a simple yes or no from me..

I so dearly love you but it just can't be unless......

Happy It Is!!

2011-02-21T05:49:00.001-08:00

How time flies! It's been a year and a couple months since I last made an entry here... I actually have A LOT of work to do but I just miss writing my thoughts down. It won't hurt if I take a few more minutes break from work. So, here I am! I'll try to make this as my outlet or a daily journal (if i can manage).

I'll start this by saying 2010 had been a better year for me and my kids. Gabby has turned 2 years old last month and Vico has learned to talk with a little sense. In fact, he could say CHOCOLATE as clearly as I would say it. His teachers and therapists told me that he has some sort of a photographic memory. It could be his gift. He almost completed a 500-piece puzzle by himself without having the photo of the puzzle to refer to. If only some of the pieces have survived, it would have been completed and framed by now. Sadly, some pieces were already lost since the puzzle was already a year-old before he developed the interest to do it. Nevertheless, everyone in the family is so happy and proud for a special child like him could do such.

As for Gabby, we have been feeding him through oral route and so far, so good! He has grown to be a funny, little boy, sweet but with a boiling temper that sometimes gets to be annoying. If Kuya is the OCD in terms of packing away his toys and putting everything in order, Gabby is just the opposite! He messes up everything where he has laid his tiny hands on. Vico would mumble when Gabby enters his territory and starts picking up his puzzles and throws it up in the air as if showering some confetti! And there goes, the pulling and tagging between the two. It was fun to watch but exasperating at the same time. Kids!!

As for my personal life, I am happy just the way things are going for me. No love life but A-okay. Still loving life. I know I'll get to that. But for now, I am just so blessed already to have a funny family, funny kids, funny friends, and a faithful God. Enough reason to be happy, though, but God has given me more reasons to be even happier and hopefully be at my happiest. That I will still have to see if I am looking at it the way I should be. In a few months or so, I will know. Sometimes, the thought that "I couldn't ask for more" crosses my mind but - i don't know but even if it doesn't turn out to be "Love," then it's fine. It wouldn't make me less of a happy person. As long as he remains a friend who will continue to make me smile, then I am happy.

Happy,it is! <3>

Scary Afternoon

2009-12-05T04:17:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't want to go through what I have been through this afternoon. It scared the hell out of me. It would have been a normal day if not for that "stick bread" that I gave my baby, Paul Gabriel, that almost got him asphyxiated!

He wasn't really supposed to be given anything by mouth but our doctor wanted to assess if my baby still knows how to swallow since he has not been given any food for seven months now. He needs to be re-trained with sucking and swallowing, in the hope that we can gradually feed him by mouth but what had happened was enough proof that he can't; that we need to take him to a hospital where the equipment to repair the stricture is available.

Seeing my child having difficulty in breathing, turning pale and close to unconscious is just so unthinkable, and seeing it happen before your own eyes will definitely drive you crazy and make you "brainless". It makes your mind stop working and senseless. No wonder parent doctors do not operate or put an injection on their own child but instead let other doctors do things that they were supposed to be good at, too. It definitely would scare the hell out of any parent.

Parents would only want the best and the safest for their children. Scolding our kids when they get themselves hurt with too much playing or whatever does not mean we love them less but we love them so much that we do not want them hurt, that even sometimes we tend to hurt them ourselves by spanking them with our own hands when the truth behind it all is that we are actually so scared and so terrified with what could actually happen to them, something much worse than our spank.

I don't know how to keep myself sane and composed when things like this happen to my children. There's just no way to be composed when you know anything can go wrong. In situations like this, there's no other comfort measure to appease the fear and worry but prayer. For only in prayer that we find the answer to everything in this earthly world. And when everything is finally okay, a simple and heartfelt "thank you" will be enough. No more; no less.

Thank You's

2009-12-04T05:24:00.000-08:00

Hi! I am here to thank those who take time to visit my site and drop EC's. As a newbie, your effort to drop means a lot to me. I hope you won't get tired of clicking. :-)

Dropper	# of drops
Every thought counts	10
General Illarteracy	9
Lap Band Progress	9
Basic Bloganomics	9
Ask Ms Recipe	8
Traders' Hub	7
Womensselfesteem.com's Blog	7
Chuchie's Hideaway	7
Sexy Old Broad	6
The Dias Family Spot	6

Cheers, everyone!

My Opinion

2009-11-28T03:15:00.000-08:00

My time away from the computer has turned me into a couch potato! I got addicted to watching all the shows on television! The TV has kept me company for the rest of my waking hours. I am particularly enjoying Pinoy Big Brother Double Up. I am rooting for the original occupants of House A. They are just so funny and pleasant unlike those of House B. I so love House "Ayers".

>Melay is just so wittingly hilarious! I am pretty sure she'll make a name for herself in the entertainment industry.

>Jason is innocent but pretty mischievous. Melay and Jason will make a lovely couple..haha

>I love Rica's smartness and articulateness! She's so much of a typical girl for me..No She-man.

>I like Cathy! She easily blends in with other people. She's so likable. A beauty with a brain and a warm heart to complete it.
>Paul Jake and Johan are a cutie. Paul Jake can survive the real life as it is. Johan will make a good matinee idol.

>Tibo is such a dependable guy. I could sense he is a good dad.

>Carol? Hhmm...She's okay but she's slowly turning into a flirt. She should be in the company of house B.

House B is a typical "small-minded" crowd who loves to talk about other people. They are a bunch of self-centered, overconfident, highly opinionated monkeys. You should see them lose a challenge to see such great sour-grapers.

I am a Davaoeno but I do not patronize Mariel. Her behavior is disgusting! She's such a flirt! Yuri is the "know-it-all" kind; very annoying. The boys sound like girls. They are more like the She-Man "mighty" Rocky has mentioned of. Among them, Kathy is the likeable one among the crowd of unlikeables. Good riddance to Jimson. He is a jinx. Sam is pretty but not interesting for me. I wonder if she has a voice and a brain to speak of.

House B best explains the saying that "Birds of the same feather flock together". :-)

Love

2009-11-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

I have been out of circulation for a week now. I am sad because I got lots of "unmet" desires to write for the past week. I am here today and gone again tomorrow. Computer still broken and I am using my niece's laptop for today. It's Sunday and it's time for family get together, thus, my niece is here and she brought her laptop with her, as per auntie's request ( Auntie points to ME!)..

The past week was just like any other week. Busy with kids and household stuff. I get to spend more time appreciating my children and time for more good reads. :-) I just finished reading "New Moon" and a couple of weeks ago, read "Eclipse" and the instant I found myself on the last page of the book, sadness swept through me. Sad because the story was just so good and enticing that I wanted and craved for more. Even wishing for the next book to come right away. I am pretty excited with how Edward and Bella's love story will end. Looking forward to a "happily ever after" kind of story.

I wanted so much to write about the end of my read but it's been days that I was done reading the book and the feeling of elation has died down and just an aftershock is all that is left of it. If I were to go back to the feeling, I would simply say that it feels so, so good to be in love that I wanted to fall in love over again! I am not a patron for love stories but their story is just to "spine-chillingly" romantic and sweet. Some unconditional and timeless love they have for each other. I just so love the Edward Cullen character!!!

There is this line that Edward said to Bella:

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for everything. "

Busy Hands

2009-11-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

Hi! How is everyone's week going? Mine have been quite full. My hands are too busy with kids and stuff. Much as I want to write more, I do not have enough time to spend in front of the computer. I just came in to visit my favorite people here and did my EC drops for the day.

Aside from that, my computer has not been very good to me, either. It's been so slow and I do not have patience allocated for my pc's slow performance. Some viruses, I guess. I had this reformatted last Sunday but I don't know why it's performing sooo poorly.

So, that's it for now. I hope to have better days coming. Keeping my fingers crossed.

God is faithful. :-)

Sundays

2009-11-08T23:18:00.000-08:00

Sunday is considered the first day of the week in some countries, including the United States and Japan, although today many countries such as the United Kingdom regard Sunday as the seventh day, at least in the working week and the civil week.

Sunday is considered a non-working day in many countries of the world, and is part of "the weekend". Countries predominantly influenced by Jewish or Islamic religions have Friday or Saturday as a weekly non-working day instead.

-Wikipedia

Sunday for me is a special day..It marks the beginning or the end of a week..In my family, a Sunday is a day of gathering, a day of celebrating a family member's birthday or simply just eating lunch or dinner with the whole family.

I always look forward to a Sunday because I get to see my siblings and their kids. It is a day where I enjoy funny chitchats and good laughs with my sisters and grown-up nieces. It is simply a time to bond with the family, to watch a film or a favorite tv show together, sing a few songs, play computer games, older cousins to play with the young ones, the grown ups to catch up on some sleep after a late Saturday night gimmicks. The regular and the ordinary becomes extra special just simply because it is done with special and important people in our lives.

Yesterday was a grown-up niece's birthday celebration in one of my sister's house. We feasted on Curried Seafoods (crabs, shrimps and shells), spring rolls, hamonado for lunch. Buko salad and a delicious Walnut Chccolate cake for dessert. Merienda came and we had our all-time favorite spaghetti. What was missing in the list is one of our best recipes---kare-kare. Well, my mother and I were too busy to cook. My babies were a handful already.

I will be posting some photos one of these days for that special Sunday. I am looking forward to another beautiful and gastronomic Sunday. I hope you enjoyed yours just as I did. :-)

I Got An Award From An of Every Thought Counts

2009-11-06T05:19:00.000-08:00

I got this from my new friend An of Every Thought Counts. Thank you, An for giving me this award. This is my first and just like any other "firsts", it will be unforgettable. :)

I am sharing this award to An, Cza, Donna, Veronica, Kaye, Dhemz, Beth, Ate Rhea, Vivien, Jane, and Ms. Recipe. I am hoping that you will like it enough to share it with others. :)

The Neno’s Award Rules and Regulations:

1. As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.

2. To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.

3. Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.

4. Don’t forget to mention the person who gives you the award.

5. Answer the award’s question by writing the reason why you love blogging.

6. Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.

7. Don’t forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

I have traveled and penetrated different worlds because of blogging. It has brought me to different heights, conquered my pessimism on my capabilities, earned more self-confidence and widened my circle of friends. It is a wonderful and enriching experience. :-)

Death

2009-11-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. "
~Euripides

My neighbor's death caught me by surprise. He died yesterday while watching Wowowee when he choked on his saliva. He had been laughing so hard, I guess. The emotion he felt might have been too much for his heart to handle.

I remember him as a good man, very pleasant. He likes to go walking in the village with his wife every afternoon. They even came to visit my baby, Paul Gabriel, when we got home from the hospital after Gab's gastrostomy. I felt so sad that he had to die in a snap. I wish he had more time to say goodbye to his wife and kids as I am sure they were not prepared for it. I could feel the anguish that his family feels. His kids, who are in the US, are surely devastated to hear of their Daddy's death. They will all soon be rushing home.

My Mother visited him at his wake this morning and she said he looks like he was just sleeping. A happy death, it is. But I am sad for those he has left. I wish I never have to go through the grief of losing someone I love. I wish God will give me time to say goodbye to my loved ones before He calls me in to His Kingdom. I wish for a slow death where I still have time to make up for my mistakes or simply to say "I love you and goodbye" to my loved ones, especially to my children.

"The idea is to die young as late as possible. "
~Ashley Montagu

Desiderata

2009-11-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

I would like to share with you a favorite prose poem of mine by Max Ehrmann. I have memorized this as a child but slowly forgetting the lines as I was growing up yet lived and treasured its musings ardently in my heart. I am sure you will find this beautiful and meaningful, too.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, 1927
---------

Nice isn't it?

Wishes

2009-11-01T21:54:00.000-08:00

The weekend has been a bit different. Been busier with my kids. Did some more chores and did a little cooking. I had lesser time to spend on writing since my kids, especially my baby, needed more attention. I had to put up with my son's nagging and I had to address my baby's cry for more hugs and cuddles that I do not even have the time to do things for myself anymore. Sometimes, their behavior is eating up all my hard-earned patience that I turn into a monster and snap at them.

I wish I had more arms to do things all at the same time. I wish I had a more normal life and better disposition. I wish to have more and wishes are all I have for now.

Gray Skies

2009-10-31T06:53:00.000-07:00

It has been a quite sad day for me. My house helper has decided to end her services with us to take some time off from working. She has been with my family for three years and three months. My first son grew up before her eyes. In her, my son has found a constant playmate and "teacher". I know that even in my son's innocence and inability to speak for himself, I could see his fondness and affection for her in the same way that she also sincerely love and care for my son. She has the charisma to attract children. It doesn't take so much effort for her to win any child's heart. She can easily penetrate their world.

As a Mother, I can feel her affection for my children. She loved them like they were her own. I know that someday, when she decides to become a mother, she will be a good one to her children. I could have at least thanked her with many words than just "Thank you." Words are just not enough to thank her for everything she has done for me, my family and especially my children. I know that when she bade goodbye to my Vico, she was on the verge of crying, her voice was breaking. I did not say more because a lump was growing in my throat and tears were welling in my eyes. I just did not want to cry. In the eyes of my family, it's just not me.

I am sad for my children, especially for my Vico. I am not like her. I am not as patient and as playful as her. Maybe because I have too many "other concerns" in life but I will try to be what she has been to my children. God, give me more patience and perseverance. Make me a bit like her.

I will forever remember her. She has been a part of my life and my children's. She has seen the worst in me and was with me during the darkest days of my life that not even my family has known or learned of. She has made life much easier and more bearable. She has created many good memories and smiles for my Vico and Gabee.

As she starts a life apart from us, I wish her enough beautiful memories of Vico and Gabee to remember. May God bless her with many reasons to smile to return the happy smiles she has given my children.

My Little Harry Potter

2009-10-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

Since it's Halloween Month, my son's school organized a little Halloween party for the kids. Instead of my mother taking my son to the party, I took the chance to take him there myself so I could get photos of him. As usual, we came in late for the parade and trick or treat.

He came to the party as little "Harry Potter". It wasn't really what we wanted for him but it was the easiest to create since we didn't want to spend a lot on his costume. :-D

Simple and inexpensive as it was, he won the "Most Creative Costume" Contest. I made the hat from a piece of cartolina , the wand from a piece of twig covered in silver ribbon and my Mom made the cloak and the "watchamacallit" that you put around the neck. :)

I have to mention that I just got lucky that he agreed to put on that costume for a while then started pulling it off when we were seated. He finds extra ordinary stuff so annoying.

During the presentation of costumes, I was requested by his teacher to put his costume on him again.So I did. The whole time we had to keep his hands from pulling the bow tie and all for the judges to see. The one who gets the most claps wins. When it was his turn, his teachers were all routing for him and he had the most claps and cheers. So, he won! It wasn't the costume after all, it was the number of fans that the child has that matters most. ;)

Eclipse

2009-10-28T23:34:00.000-07:00

For some time, I have been trying to find other activities to do other than play Facebook Games. Something worthwhile for a change. I play facebook games as my form of de-stressing but it's been causing extra on our electricity bill and my Mother is not too happy about it. :)

So, I went back to reading. I have read the books that have been lying around for months in the room, has re-read the old digests and now, I ran out of interesting books to read. So, I said to my Mom that I'd walk my son to his therapy session today and get my hair trimmed after and visit my sister who lives in the next village.. Who would think I'd get a good book for visiting a sister who borrows books from me? Well, I got her niece-in-law to lend me a book..Not just an ordinary book but one interesting book-- Eclipse!!! i think it's a saga of Twilight.

Definitely I'm going to get a good read and a planned insomnia in the next few days! I can't wait for the film to be shown pretty soon. I would definitely take some time off from being a Mom one of these days just to watch it..Off to Vampire world!

Paul Gabriel

2009-10-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

The first time I laid my eyes on my tiny Paul Gabriel, my heart was torn into millions of pieces. Just by looking at him you will know that he is not okay. He was underweight, in an "auto hood" supplied with oxygen to help him breathe, he was being suctioned of secretions every 30mins and he was always on his tummy to prevent him from swallowing his saliva.

My tiny Paul had Multiple Congenital Birth Defects. His esophagus did not have any communication with the stomach but instead ended up in a blind pouch. He has congenital heart defects, too and Spina Bifida as per X-ray result only. These birth defects come in multiples. Like the say, "Misery loves company."

Having learned that my child is sick was the saddest and most painful in my life. I felt so sorry and so guilty for having made it difficult for him. Initially, I didn't want to see him again because I can't stand seeing him in that state. Guilt was eating me. I must have done something that caused him to be in that condition. So I asked myself 'What have I done to my child?"I searched for answers but I couldn't find any. I don't remember being sick or have taken some pill or have done something wrong.

No matter how hard I search for answers, I wouldn't find any. So, I stopped and searched the Higher being. There I found the comfort and solace I was looking for. I learned to look at things in a different perspective. I became more positive and faith strengthened. I still worry but not a lot anymore. :) I worry about his future surgeries, the expenses and a lot more but I always try not to forget my Matthew 6, that God will provide.

A Mother's Love

2009-10-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

My Mother came to the room a few minutes ago to tell me that she heard some water splashes in the bathroom. When she peeked in, she found my little Vico taking a bath! He has not just done that today but the days before, too. He just loves to sneak to the bathroom and bathe himself. Or sometimes, when we were not too attentive to what he is doing, he would go to the bathroom to wash his bottom when he has pooped. We have been trying to potty train him when he wants to poop but it's just so difficult right now. He just doesn't seem to "listen".. Although, I have to acknowledge his new "achievement" because he has learned to pee in his potty by himself, thus, cutting down our expenses on diapers. I hope pretty soon he will learn to poop in his potty, too coz we have been spending extra on tissue and Lysol to clean up some of his "droppings" from the floor. His "sneaks" to the bathroom always makes us laugh. How can you be angry with this child? He is just so innocent.

Oh, well..I am pretty excited on Vico's future surprises. I wonder what's next. I wish he could talk soon, though. He might be non-verbal, but among the non-verbal, he is the noisiest! He likes to blabber a lot. He shrieks when he is in high-spirits. He is most behaved when his favorite CD is being played or when he has my cellphone in hand. He likes to explore my phone and even attempting to take over the computer when he sees me using it and when not, urges me to switch it on. Sometimes, he is so annoying when he doesn't get what he wants. Much as I want to be firm with my "No", I just can't resist his hugs and kisses, sending me under his spell. And the ending-- he gets what he wants. I just do not have the heart to turn him down. :( I know it's not good for him and Teacher tells me that a No should really be a NO and not a yes in the end. But Teacher has to remember that I am his Mom and he is my child. ;)

Or So I Thought..

2009-10-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

My PC is not broken after all, or so I thought. It might just be in a bad mood yesterday. Anyway, I'm just happy to be back.

I was visiting some blog sites earlier and I enjoyed reading other Mommies' posts. I realized that there are just so much to write about when you are a Mom. Every tiny bit in this world concerns us and on top of that list is our children.There's just so much to share about them. Little as they are, they generate so much about many things. From their heads to their toes, there's just a lot to say.

Moms are women with special gifts blessed with lovely presents and not everyone is given the gift to take care of God's lovely presents. And it takes a little more special Mom to be given special kids. I used to look at Moms with special kids burdened or cursed. But I was so wrong. I know because I have two special children. They make my hands full but they give me so much happiness that my heart can hold. My kids are taking me one step closer to God and another step to living a more meaningful life.

Broken PC; Broken Momentum

2009-10-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

I am just so upset that my PC is broken. Perfect timing eh? Just when I have started gearing up for more blogs it went nuts. (Owwss??) Damn computer! Have I been playing too much FB games??? Haha You bet! But actually, I have really slowed down on playing because blogging is more worthwhile. It hones my writing skills and puts my mind to work. I am just so upset because it has not been a year since I had the videocard replaced and just a few months ago reformatted! I don't know when I could have it tuned up again. I know it's only the damn videocard that has loosen up. I have tried opening the CPU to check it myself but my technical skills are not enough. I need the computer genius to do it..Ooohhh i gotta go now! But don't worry, I will definitely be back in a few days..As if somebody will miss me..LOL

Someone from the Past

2009-10-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Do you still dream of someone from your past? I still do and i hate it! I wonder why we still dream of people we don't really want to dream of. Keeps me wondering what could the dream mean. I just don't dream of him once, but many times in a month and I hate the feeling when I wake up. He is the last person I would want to cross paths with and fate is playing tricks on me. I see him in the least expected places. I would like to avoid him as much as I could and yet our paths still cross and when it happens, I see the cold look in his eyes. I don't even know how to react upon seeing him. Much as I want to give him a pleasant "hello", I just can't and I knew in my heart that "hello" is not welcome. I do not understand why I see it as anger when there is nothing he should be angry about or am i just plain paranoid? But if it's not anger, why look through me as if he didn't see me? It just puzzles me why he gives me that cold, passing through look. We once had a nice friendship that turned sour for reasons I don't really know. Of all the X's I had, it was only with him that friendship didn't flourish. It is sad why things don't always turn out the way we would have wanted it to. I have reached out my hand to him for friendship many times but he chose to turn away. Sad but true. But at least, I know that the problem is not with me, it's with him.

Victor John

2009-10-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

In the afternoon of June 24, 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I named him Victor John in honor of St. John de Baptist's feast day.

As a baby, I don't recall him getting sick. No cough, no cold or even fever after an immunization. He was a happy and very healthy baby. He was such an easy creature to take care of. He cries when wet, when hungry, when he feels too warm or cold and when he needs some cuddling. He laughs a lot and he was not fuzzy like other babies are. He doesn't throw so much tantrums when he is sleepy. I remember when in the middle of feeding him, he fell asleep in his bouncer while nibbling on his food. Such a funny little thing to see!

Everything about him was normal. He started walking when he was eleven months old. His gross and fine motor skills were exceptional! Problems started when he was about a year and half old. My mother and I noticed that he was losing some cognitive skills slowly. He stopped mimicking, lost his eye contact when being talked to, doesn't turn his head when his name is being called. Later on, he started banging his head on the wall or floor. He likes to line up, stack or spin his toys. He was manifesting odd behaviors and most of all, he has not learned to say a word or two which he should have.

I knew then that there was something wrong with him. I waited until he turned two years old before I brought him to a Neurodevelopmental Pediatrician for assessment. It turned out that my little Vico has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). The Doctor advised us that we put him to a therapy program which we did.

He has been in therapy for a year now and yet he still has not learned a word or two but he has improved in so many ways. The therapy has helped him a lot. He has learned to listen and follow simple instructions, he has learned to tolerate sitting for some time which was impossible for him to do before he underwent therapy. Little by little he has learned to take off his clothes, socks and shoes on his won. Learned to use the fork and spoon, get a glass of water for himself. He was actually trying to be really independent even if we didn't want him to. His independence was, in a way, scaring us. It scared us because he might fall off a chair or hurt himself in his effort to reach for the things he want instead of us getting it for him. He doesn't know how to ask for things he want, thus, driving him to get it for himself.

He has always been a hyperactive child. No amount of scolding can make him stop from running to and fro, from climbing up and down, from jumping and rolling. His energy just doesn't die down. I must say I am lucky that he doesn't have any sleeping problems. Some autistic kids have trouble going to bed but my little Vico has none. He just wakes up so early that you have to wake up, too or else he will pull your leg or arm to wake you up, worse, he would step on your face without meaning to hurt you.

Scared and worried, tired and stressed with teaching him and looking after him, my little Vico has never failed to bring us smiles and laughters. No matter what he does, terrible as it may seem, our love has conquered the anger and frustration anyone could feel because of what autism has made my child. In fact, he has taught me a lot about life and love. He keeps me strong and positive. He has taught me to be more patient, more loving and more tolerant than reactive. I am proud to say my little Vico has turned out to be a sweet and loving child. Out of the blue he would run to me and give me a kiss. When he wakes up in the morning he would come to me for a hug or a kiss. His smile always makes my day. I will never trade him for any normal child in this world.

I wish every parent will understand that Autism is not something to be scared of. It is not the end for our child. Many things have been developed to help us help our children. It is not easy to have an autistic child but with prayers and perseverance, you will find the strength to keep going. Seek help, if need be. Remember that, all they need is love, patience and attention. When they feel they are loved, they do not grow up to be destructive like other autistic kids are. Just let them be the way they are. Take things one step at a time. Do not hurry. They learn things like any other normal child has learned, but only at their own pace and time. It may be slow but it's all worth the wait. The "waiting" may be God's way of telling us to slow down and smell the roses, to be more appreciative and not take for granted the little things in life that matter most.

Do Not Worry

2009-10-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am sure everyone of us has experienced feeling so low, desperate and almost hopeless. I have been there and back myself. I worry, i get sleepless nights, almost went crazy thinking about ways to make the situation better. And when I get tired of it all, I just stop and try to refresh my mind with this passage from the Bible.(see below) Do the same and I am sure this will make you feel better as it always does for me. These verses just take all my worries away. Like they always say when you feel lost and slumped in the ground, there is no other way to go but up. So, always learn to look up to find the comfort you re looking for. Always believe that every prayer is answered. When we feel that we are so burdened and we feel that no one shares our burden, always remember that the troubles of others are sometimes greater than our own. Open your eyes to the things around you as this could help you feel better, too. Remember to count your blessings. Have a thankful heart!

Matthew 6

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

-xox-

Have a wonderful day!

Realizations

2009-10-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

For some time, I have always wanted to write down my thoughts but I just get too lazy to grab a paper and a pen or to switch on the computer and start writing down. Everything was just wishful thoughts and no action. So, today I wanted it to be different. I wanted it to be a proof that I can do things if i just don't dream on and start turning that dream into reality. As the saying goes, "Things don't turn up in this world until somebody turns them up." And today marks the beginning of that dream.

This site i dedicate to my children. They are the reason why I wanted to write and they are the very reason why I have so many things running in my mind. In the coming days, you will find me posting stuff relating to my children, some thoughts on life, friendship and God, and little on romantic love.

I hope you will find my future posts interesting and hopefully, you will learn something from it, too.

Thank you!

Cheers to a happy life!